We shape our world and even though we may know exactly what we want sometimes it is difficult to ask it of others. To thine own self be true is a multifaceted nugget of wisdom.

First of all we need to be clear exactly what we want. I am going to use the example of something which happened with a friend of mine. He had engaged an “acquaintance” to assist him with a particular piece of work for which she had the skills and qualifications. For some reason she did not fully engage in the project. She made a commitment to a timeline, did not meet it and did not re-negotiate a new one.  She gave preliminary deliverables but never the promised ones. This led my friend to decide to cancel her services. A reasonable enough outcome. The challenge was how to do it.

How he decided to do it was to cancel using a “pleasant” e-mail. He was compensating for her lack of deliverables. He apologized for his decision to put the project on hold. He wanted to pay for work completed and move on. In order to extricate himself from the situation more easily he assumed the position of fault. Now I do not believe in blame, for anyone, but I do believe in responsibility. Responsibility is different depending on the situation and context but responsibility always includes being true to ourselves and also, I believe, providing care to others by remaining kind.

So what needed to happen? KIND communication is the answer I believe.

Keep it simple.
Indicate your desires.
No blame, no coverup.
Deliver it with love.

KIND communication can be delivered in person, in writing or on the phone. KIND communication says I value myself and I value you. To continue on with my example my friend really needed to communicate three things. I want to move on. I will pay for what you did. I am not obligated to work with you further. Simple enough to understand but now how do we put it into the context of KIND?

The easiest way to “move on” is to say thank you for what it was that you received or appreciated in an exchange with another. If you cannot think of anything then you are being given the gift of self awareness. When we cannot appreciate anything about someone (colleague, aquaintances, friends or family members) then we probably are angry and often anger is a reflection of us not asking for what we wanted or needed. Everything is reflection of us, never of the other. Paying (be it in money, gratitude or in-kind) is a concrete way to demonstrate value to another. Not being obliged is an important concept wherein a belief in choice supersedes all other expectations or obligations. Each of us chooses each and every moment of every day who we are and how we act. Choice is the penultimate responsibility. So choose wisely.

I hope that KIND communicating can help reduce stress and conflict in your own life as it has in mine. Create the life you love.