Is the dolphin aggressive? Not to me. The dolphin is clearly indicating a desire and most likely even vocalizing what he or she wants. And dare I be so bold to suggest he or she is even doing it with a smile!

In a number of conversations over the years it has often come up that it can be difficult to ask for what one wants. In fact it is so difficult many people cannot do it and revert to passive aggressive behaviour. Manipulation may work but the consequences are often severe and undesirable.

Here is the interesting thing (and somewhat scary too), most people who are passive aggressive do not know it and so it is up to the rest of us to make sure we are not passively aggressed against or doing it to others.  I thought a review might help to turn passive aggression into positive assertion (ask clearly and with conviction).

How do you know if you or someone you know has been passive aggressive? The easiest way to tell when it has happened to you is if you feel like you have done something wrong (and there is no apparent reason for it) or you are feeling sorry for someone (but there is no specific reason for it).

You see passive aggression is difficult to spot because it is passive, but none-the-less it controls us. Here is a good example of being blamed. If someone is chronically late they are passive aggressive. Others are kept waiting and the person doing it has total control. There was an arrangement – meet at whenever. The person is chronically late. There are always external reasons so they never take responsibility (in other words something or someone made them late). They may even suggest you have the problem (anal retentive) for being on time (thus it is really your fault and not their own). That is a crystal clear example of passive aggressive behaviour. If we are not passive aggressive then we apologize for being late, hope it was not too much of an inconvenience and do not make excuses. We realize we made the choices and we apologize for our behaviour. We speak clearly and with conviction. People respect us, accept us and we feel the same about ourselves.

Here is another common passive aggressive situation. You arrive somewhere (say at home to your mother, brother or spouse). The person is in a “mood”. You begin to feel like you should be walking on tiptoe or better yet not even be there even though it is also your home or you were invited. The person is cool, evasive, standoffish ore perhaps even irritated but there is no explanation nor identifiable reason for it. You want to make them feel better (see how cleverly it now becomes  your responsibility to fix their “mood”). Perhaps you are being blamed for the mood (you were late for example – hopefully not chronically or read the above paragraph – smile).  One of two things is happening. You are yourself codependent and over functioning. If they are in a “mood” let them have it, for it is theirs not yours. Or they are being passive aggressive. If we are not comfortable then we should say so and leave the room. In other words. I see you. You are having a bad day. I am sorry for your bad day. I am not enjoying being here now and so I will go to another room, house or place and give you time and space to be alone with your thoughts and feelings. No blame and no histrionics. Again we talk clearly and with conviction. People respect and accept us and we feel the same about ourselves.

So the secret is simple. Be clear. Speak from  your heart and with conviction. Do not judge nor blame others. Accept responsibility for everything in our lives and when necessary ask for help. No one needs to be saved, but each of us can be saved from a life of misery if we just ask for what we want, when we want it and then expect it to get it for ourselves albeit often as a gift from others. Remember to live the life you love to live.