I have on one or two occasions in my life had the experience of  inappropriately angry people. I have been myself inappropriately angry. Luckily, I noticed. In fact, I only speak of that which I know. I only have wisdom when I have experience. I can only change when I am open, observe and respond.

Anger is a healthy and positive emotion that helps us to release and let go of frustration in our lives. But when anger turns destructive, to ourselves, our friends, family or colleagues then it becomes a spiral down into the depths of darkness.

The appropriate expression of anger is assertive. So often I have seen people confused between assertive and aggressive. I am assertive when I tell another what I am thinking or feeling and ask for what I want. We are aggressive when we engage in abuse, contempt and/or criticism, either to ourselves or more commonly to others, usually because we are incapable or unaware of healthy assertion of our anger. This story is dedicated to our awareness.

So how can we help our brothers and sisters when they become aggressive towards us or stop ourselves from doing it. Simple. We can demonstrate healthy assertive behaviour, forgive ourselves or the other and move on from the event. Healthy assertive behaviour is easy to recognize. It is most notably characterized by the fact I own my behaviour and do not blame or otherwise try to imply that another is responsible for my emotions or behaviour. Statements like “you make me so angry” are incorrect, inappropriate and aggressive. Each emotion comes from within and is mine alone. I have control over myself and my expression and behaviours.

Here is an example of a healthy angry response to someone yelling and swearing at us. When you call me names or swear at me (both aggressive behaviours) I get angry and want to lash out and hurt your feelings as well but I refrain. Stop calling me names and swearing at me. We can discuss this more later, but for now I am leaving. Clear, simple, easy to understand statements of exactly what we want and are willing to do. Notice how the statement is not judgmental yet very clear. Notice how the person who is assertive takes responsiblity for the environment and makes the choice to leave. We do not have control over the behaviour of another but we need always have control over our own.

If we find that the following statements are often true (I shall leave it in your capable hands to create the frequency of “often”): I am sorry for my outburst, I really let go that time, people cower when I get angry, people are silent when I am angry, others try to calm me down when I am angry, then chances are we are choosing to practice aggression and not assertion. What can I do? Choose again.

An easy path to assertive behaviour is to deal with our own suppressed anger which “leaks out” inappropriately. Once felt and the stored (the psychologist might label it repressed) it will resurface again, most likely in an unhealthy manner. Sometimes there are years of it if we have not learned or chosen self-awareness.

A wonderful method for dealing with unresolved and stored anger is meditation or self-guided visualizations. Gentle, healing words, sounds and visuals will help to release the anger within. There are a myriad of books, tapes and other tools for assisting with this.

Remember, we always have choice. We are the creator of our life and the master of our behaviour. Aggression and assertion can seem worlds apart and the path between the two can be difficult to traverse but the final destination is always worth the journey. Calm waters await.