How often I have thought I must find the right answer for myself. For some reason the fact that I live at the same time as six billion other people did not seem to mean I could ask one of them…smile. Perhaps you have made the same choice yourself at some time.
How happy I was to discover so many others on a similar spiritual journey to my own. I started attending a church many years ago because I had a friend named Brian who had heard of this “new age” centre. Well that was 12 years ago and not only did I go to it for many years I have been a part of it.
When I started there were well over 350 people going. Today there are 35. Throughout the years the number has changed but my devotion to it has remained true. Why is that? Because I remain and have always been loyal. Loyalty has provided me endless amounts of support over the years for one simple reason. Like attracts like. What we concentrate on we create. If we are loyal we cannot help but surround ourselves with other loyal people.
This year, unfortunately, I learned my loyalty does not always serve me. I had to severe relations with a friend I had for many years, someone I loved and thought of like a brother. It was difficult for me. It was the first time I had consciously chosen to end a close relationship. I am also very lucky. My husband is an excellent guide for me. He questions, does not judge and rarely advises without me asking. If he does advise me he does not expect me to change. He is a perfect partner, involved and interested but also an observer and supporter in my life. He kept asking me: “honey why do you continue this friendship, what do you receive?” to which I would reply, “because I am loyal and friendship is not just about good times, sometimes we get and sometimes we give”. Because Pedro is both wise and emotionally healthy he would answer: “always we get and always we give”.
Gentle prodding caused me to look deeper into my loyalty and there was a recurring question for me. When is loyalty actually just an excuse for dysfunctional behaviour? You see last year one of my cats died. It was very traumatic for me and the final day I simply could not decide what to do. I asked my friends to come over to my house and stay with me which they did. But one of them was only there out of obligation. He spent the entire time on my computer surfing for sexual liaisons so he was in the room but not present for me at all. I was deeply hurt. It is not easy for me to ask for help and when I did and it was not there from him and I did not know what to do. Luckily my other very close friend was also there and so I was not abandoned and in fact was well supported and able to make my decision in peace for which I am deeply grateful.
But the question of the other relationship remained. In fact it remained for well over a year after that. I would try and create intimacy but always get complaints. I would try to create friendship but always be met with indifference. I realized that for many years never had my friend called me. Always he only responded to my calls and so I chose to do something difficult for me. I chose to let the friendship go. Now I am not angry, in fact I am no longer even hurt. To tell the whole truth I am both fatigued and now relieved it is resolved. I do not expect people to be my friend. Being my friend does not mean I expect it to continue. It is a friendship and just like a fire requires fuel and oxygen each relationship requires a combination of energy from both.
So I release and I let go this friendship knowing the universe has a number of living souls in it right now who chose to be my friend and so I embrace them and say thank you for the gifts they give and hopefully also receive from me.