How often I have heard what I refer to as the three great mistakes of relationships? In truth, I may have even said one or two of them myself…smile. These three simple yet profound statements which I call the three false promises are thoughts or beliefs that will undermine your most intimate relationship: I need you; I will fix you; and, you make me happy. These are the most common and most dangerous mistakes in any relationship.
The three false promises undermine the very foundation of our closest relationships. Celebration! It is the basis which separates our intimate relationships from all others in our lives. We know celebration because there are clichés like: love is blind. The clichés reveal that we do not apply logic we simply go with the flow of our feelings. This is a great thing as long as we are not dysfunctional, over functioning or delusional…smile.
In that celebration there are three things which are oft overlooked which do not serve us well. We and we alone will decide and create our happiness. If we were not happy before, we will soon enough chose to be unhappy again. We are not broken and neither are they. We are complete. No fixing is required. Like all of us our strengths are most likely, at times, our weakness. A sensitive person understands us but also is more easily hurt. And finally, we need air, water and food. Everything else is a desire, in fact,may be highly desired but it is not truly a need. We survived, perhaps even thrived before we met. Now that we have told the whole truth and nothing but the truth to ourselves, we are ready to really celebrate another.
It is impossible to Celebrate another if you are expecting something in return. That is called an exchange. If you desire an exchange then please pull out your wallets. If you are not happy then you are not ready for a relationship. Get happy and then share a happy person with the world and your partner. If you are broken then seek therapy. This is true for all of us, all of the time. Once healed, whole and healthy we are ready for a relationship. And finally if we have needs then we need to satisfy them so that our partner can give us gifts instead of trying to build us the foundation we forgot to put in place ourselves. Love is a gift. It is given without expectation. Do not sully love by adding mundane responsibilities to it. Cherish it. Keep it free.
So now that we understand the false promises, what are their closely aligned cousins? What do we really mean? What do we desire in relationships and how should we express it to set ourselves and our loved ones free?
1. I am more in touch with my internal happiness when I am with you because you reflect “happy me” back to me. Thanks for being a good mirror for me. It is a statement of gratitude.
2. I desire and want you and I hope you desire and want me. If I happen to place any of my needs in your hands please kindly, gently and firmly hand them back to me where they belong. It is a statement of hope.
3. I am a work in progress and so are you. If from time to time I need a gentle push towards my own goals then I invite you (not expect you) to help and accept the responsibility is mine alone. I am the master of my destiny not you or any other. It is a statement of truth.
If these become our tenets of belief in our intimate relationships, then it is much more likely they will continue, be healthy and be enjoyed for many years to come. I hope that you find and express everlasting love in your life.